Before anything, maybe this is the sign you’ve been searching for to begin therapy. Or maybe not. It doesn’t matter.
Alexis had always known she needed therapy. It was only a matter of when, where, and how. When it comes to therapy, things are not always as straightforward as you may think. In fact, things are often not linear or clear.
There are doubts, there is fear, there is confusion, there is anxiety — all these which often resort to one thing; questions.
There are a lot of questions, questions that come from a place of masked fear. Because in Alexis' case, if you removed the mask, you’d realize that she mostly hesitated because her inner demons convinced her of how dreadful the process was going to be. And listen, just like the serpent did a good job deceiving EVE in the Garden of Eden, once your demons do as little as whispering all the negative outcomes of a situation whilst omitting the possible positive outcomes, best believe you’re in for a long ride, except you fight those thoughts.
“What if things don’t go well? What if I don’t like the therapist? What if nothing’s even wrong with me? What if the therapist judges me?” Alexis asked, with the hope of somehow getting answers from the universe. Her “what if’s” were honest and, in fact, valid. It is normal to ask so many rhetorical questions when you are about to embark on a journey that would be self-revealing and overwhelming.
Unfortunately, there were no answers to her questions. For Alexis, It was a matter of getting over the anxiety and beginning the process. Luckily, there was money to begin the process, but most importantly, amidst all that fear, there was will and persistence.
*opens notepad*
She begins;
“I had my first session today. It was a mix of good and bad, but mostly good. I’m writing this because I want to be conscious of my growth from the first therapy session to the last. Therapy is scary, and it took me being so close to having my first session to realize it. It is easy to want to see a therapist, it is easy to want to be better, to want to relieve yourself of the trauma you have relieved over and over again in just one life. But the hard work comes when you actually have to face the therapist and open up.
All my life, I have been fine sharing my issues with my closest friends. However, it is a different feeling when you have to share your feelings with a stranger to whom you have paid to listen and help you find clarity by dissecting those raw emotions and feelings. It is weird and awkward. We began the video session, and nothing seemed fine anymore. I was hot, scared, confused, and anxious. I could not even maintain eye contact with her. Lol, now that I am writing about it, it sounds funny. Why was I even so scared?
I guess that’s what happens when anxiety crawls on you and consumes your entire state of mind. She seemed cool. She seemed like she wouldn’t be the typical Nigerian who judges you like they have a degree in moral uprightness. thanks to her aura and countenance, I suddenly began to get answers to my ‘what if’s” questions, and they were positive. I calmed down a bit. We got the ball rolling with a series of questions, and I answered them as honestly as possible. After all, I paid for this, so the least I could do was, to be honest, so I could begin to get the help I needed.
After the session, I felt like I had just had a good meal. I felt refreshed, happy, and relaxed. I felt like, suddenly, my life was beginning to have meaning. It felt really good. I’m excited about this journey. I’m excited about being the best version of myself, and I can’t wait to be that healthy person I have always wanted to be.”
On that note, shall we begin?
To be continued…….
