THE TRUTH ABOUT MOVING ON.
"I feel guilty for knowing this much about moving on, perhaps I feel this way because I’m a bit young to know these things and the thing with being young and knowing a bit of the adult stuff is that people feel like your knowledge and experience are invalid simply because they think you’re
too young to know or experience these things.
You know, I don’t think these so called adults emphasise on how difficult moving on really is. The process, the intricacies, the mood swings, the feeling of emptiness, the deep hole filled with pain and confusion that no one sees, the fake grins and all the "I’ll be fine" slogans that you say, slogans that you really don’t believe. All these, and we think that it is as simple as ABC.
Love is profound. Love is such a strong feeling that it could become so chaotic and toxic.
Sometimes we think every toxic person consciously decided to be toxic, I guess a lot of us still don’t understand that toxicity could come from a place of real pure love, a frustrated and painful love that leaves you without the will to exist without that person. Yes it is that deep. Real pure
love that feels rejected, that is confused and hurt but still wants to love that person regardless, a real love that isn’t trying to play the victim, it just wants to be accepted and not casted away. A love that becomes so old and new at the same, that has become a part of you and one that just
refuses to fade away.
And when it is time to move on, you just can’t. For real, you truly can’t. You want to move on, well at first you don’t really feel like, because you enjoy loving this person, loving this person gives you peace or at least at some point, it gave you peace. Loving this person makes you healthily happy and isn’t that what we all want? To feel secure, loved and happy. And when you
find all these in one person and it starts crumbling down soon, how do you deal with it? How do you go from being genuinely happy now and in the blink of an eye, it’s all going down the drain?
How? How do you expect this person to just move on?
Let’s talk about the process. The mood swings; one day you’re optimistic and pumped about moving on and other days, you’re unbelievably confused and weak, there’s no will to keep moving; you simply feel stuck. What about the pain? this pain that feels exaggerated but is real, it is invisible to others, but inwardly, it is as real and present as your kidneys and lungs. The pain is there, the frustration is there eating you up, putting you on edge and leaving you empty.
AND YOU SIT THERE AND TELL ME THAT MOVING ON IS NOT THAT DEEP?
Let’s not forget about the anger. The worst part of the process is the anger and disappointment you feel everytime you wonder how and why you haven’t moved on after so long. You really don’t even understand why you’re still stuck and it pisses you off so much that you begin to feel irritated and disappointed in yourself.
You hate yourself for not getting over a mere human being and at that point you want to beat yourself up till you’re in physical pain. Oh and let’s talk about the disappointment your friends and confidant pretend not to feel each time you tell them you slipped and did something that has or could have wrecked the process of moving on. They are tired of hearing you complain and nag and they wonder why you haven’t moved on, but of course they pretend not to feel that way just to make you feel better.
The emotional roller caster is real and chaotic and sometimes you just feel like it’s not going to end. At some point you get tired of trying to move on and boom you’re back to square one.
You’re back there because you simply don’t want to believe that they are out of your life forever, you can’t deal with that fact and since you can’t, the best thing would be to have them in your space, of course, as strangers. You feel fine with y’all being strangers so long as they view your WhatsApp status and vice versa. Moving on is difficult!
And maybe closure would do the trick, but what happens when this person doesn’t see the need to communicate? what happens when this person isn’t willing to talk to you and give you that peace you need? What happens when it’s been 16 months of trying to move on and you want to ask for that talk but just can’t cuz you’ll look insane? What happens? Can someone answer my
At some point, you begin to think you’re sick. You think you need help but you can’t find any. You literally feel hopeless and helpless, all these because you oved. I guess you just realise with time that you have to find peace with the fact that you’d never have that talk and you’d just never understand why what happened really happened, you’d never know what they truly felt or thought and you’d never know If they even still want you around.
Love is chaos.
And in the end, when you start talking to them again, you begin to ask yourself "is that all?" Why are my feelings jumbled and why do I feel indifferent about you now? Why aren’t you talking to me and why aren’t we thrashing old matters? Why do I feel like leaving and then really try moving on? Why do I feel stuck here?
I guess you’d still have to move on but this time with you viewing their whatsapp status everytime; with them in your face.
You finally get tired of loving them, you’re exhausted and tired of fighting for something that is no longer existent, you just want peace, this time, you truly want to move on.